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TW: suicide

I'm depressed. In fact, I've been depressed my whole life. It's very difficult to write about that, as I keep getting tears in my eyes, but that's a fact.

Recently, I was diagnosed with cyclothymia, a "lite" form of bipolar disorder. That means that, even though I've always been depressed, I still experiment periods of hypomania, when I feel great, on the top of the world, able to do everything. I feel like I have unlimited energy. And then depression comes back, just when I'm feeling so great.

I've been suffering from this languishing feeling since the beginning of the pandemic. I can't consume content anymore, I can't read a book, watch a movie or a TV show without losing focus or feeling physically tired. I wanted to read a bunch of books about love, philosophy and sociology, but I just can't focus. I spend the day burning my brain while scrolling on Instagram feeds.

This post is more of a stream of consciousness about the complex stuff that's been happening in my mind lately.

Yesterday I had a full-blown breakdown. I was so lonely, so terribly lonely that I wanted to give up. To end it all. To attempt the S word. I talked to my therapist, I tried to get in touch with the Suicide Hotline (188 in Brazil), I finally calmed down to the hold music and gave up. I called my crush on Discord and we talked about random things, and how much I love them. I also messaged my best friend, who tried to calm me down.

I'm way better today, although still quite depressed.

The depression playlist

When I'm depressed (and feeling suicidal), I often listen to some equally depressing music. Here's what I've been listening to:

I love this song from Carissa's Wierd. I keep thinking what will people think when I'm gone...

PS: I'm feeling okay right now. I won't attempt to do anything against my life.